Deuces are Wild?

A good card game? I wish. Unfortunately that phrase took on a new meaning for me last night.

I was feeding Lindsay last night about 1am and I could feel the rumblings coming from her diaper. I was very pleased with the development because that meant I could change her before she fell asleep.

So she finishes the bottle and we head over to the changing table. Blah, blah...unbutton the pj's, unbutton the onesie, open the diaper and BAM! Good poop little girl...but it is a mess! So we start cleaning up...wipes aplenty, cleaning up that brown, runny mess when I hear a little toot, followed by a quick flow of additional said brown, runny mess flowing out of her butt.

Here I am, holding her two little chicken legs in one hand to keep her butt in the air and a wipe in the other. So what do I do? Naturally, I try to put the wipe under her before the poop hits her clothes and the changing table. And that's when the deuces went wild...

Of course, the wipe didn't cover my whole hand and of course there was way too much poop to hold in the wipe...so now I have brown, runny poop all over the hand that isn't holding her legs and there is a lake of poop sitting on top of her pj's.

In the meantime, my husband (who has been sleeping for about 2 hours to the point, preparing the middle of the night feeding) peeks his head in and says "that's disgusting" and proceeds to head into the bathroom.

At this point, I'm struggling and trying to regroup. So I grab another wipe and BAM! Deuces wild AGAIN! This time, the wipe falls out of my hand and I'm left holding a handful of that damn brown, runny poop.

Not sure exactly what to do at this point, I wait for my wonderful husband knowing he'll come help me. Instead, I see him walk past the nursery and back into bed, leaving me (still) holding her two legs up with one hand and (still) holding a handful of brown, runny poop in the other. There's no way I can use my clean hand, because that would require me to lay her down in the lake of poop. After only briefly considering lifting her up by the legs and letting her dangle in the air (just kidding...don't call child protection), I dump my handful of poop into the lake of poop in her pj's and try to clean my hand...all while yelling at my husband to get his ass into the nursery.

I immediately directed him to get a scissors and by the time he gets back I have my hand clean so I can perform onesie surgery by cutting it open from the neckline down. After it is completely cut in half down the front, I can extract her from the onesie and get her moved onto a burpcloth on the floor, where she proceeds to, you guessed it, produce another wild deuce. Beautiful.

Thankfully that wild deuce was a small one and it was the last one. But that was followed by a diaper-free pee all over me and very large puke all over her...presumably from being strung up for about 3 minutes immediately after eating. By this point, Lindsay is screaming her little lungs out. Can you blame her? She just watched her mother play poop-catcher while causing her to throw up.

Eventually, I was able to get her cleaned up and changed into clean clothes. For those that can stomach it, following are the pictures of the aftermath...followed by my little sweetheart after the traumatic event...clearly she was affected.