Disgusting....

Well, I've been holding onto this post for awhile. It takes weeks to be able to vocalize (is this still considered vocalizing?) some of the disgusting things I've read about in my pregnancy books over the past month.

Now that I'm getting to the stage where I probably could legitimately give birth without too many issues, I had to move farther along in the pregnancy books. The books are typically broken down by week or month and they then have a separate chapter or section about labor and delivery. Well, let me tell you....the chapters dedicated to labor and delivery are not for the faint of stomach.

One thinks that labor is like you see in the movies. You are sitting at home or maybe even out with friends when "Oh my God! My water just broke!" A short taxi ride later and you are laying in a birthing suite doing your breathing exercises. Guess what? That isn't even close, apparently.

First, for days or maybe even a week or so before you go deliver, you have certain things to watch for. And man, do they ever have some fantastic names for these things. A couple of fun examples for you...

Apparently pregnant ladies have what is called a "mucous plug." AND IT FALLS OUT. I guess it does exactly as you would think from the name. It traps the fluids in the body until everything is getting ready to come bursting out. But come on....couldn't someone come up with a better name for it? How excited can a person really get when it does come out when you actually have to say that outloud. "Hey Kevin....I think I'm getting close. My mucous plug just fell out! Yippee!" I dare someone to say mucous plug without getting a disgusted look on your face. And if you succeed, I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

Also you have to pay attention for "bloody show" when you go to the bathroom. Again....really? That's the the best we can come up with for a name? How absolutely disgusting. And let me tell you....that's just what I want to do...track the fluids actually leaking out after the mucous plug falls out. Sounds fantastic. Slap a diaper on me and call it a day.

I couldn't possibly be more excited to pop this kid out, but my word, those two things alone make me rethink picking up a book to read about what I'm going through....let alone actually going through them. I'm not big on bodily fluids or medical jargon to begin with.....and with these names/descriptions, no one is doing a very good job of making pregnant gals feel comfortable about the process.

Colds are no fun.

I don't normally like the common cold very much...not sure I know anyone that does. But it is way worse when you are knocked up. Every cough and sneeze throws everything out of whack. I have to admit some of it is in my head though. I have had two friends crack ribs from coughing while they were pregnant. That was in the back of my head every time I felt a cough or sneeze coming on in the past week.

How normal is that? I'd venture to say not very. There is nothing normal about worrying about cracking a rib when you cough.

Just another joy of pregnancy.

Multiple gunshot wounds....

I'm thinking of just getting my legs amputated. That has to be less painful than the every-other-night Charley Horses. That probably wouldn't be too convenient post-baby, but it might help me for the time being.

Not sure I have the time for the physical therapy that would be involved, so I might just suffer through the sleepless nights.

The other issue I'm having is heartburn/acid reflux. Now, I rarely, if ever, had this issue prior to pregnancy. At this point, it is a daily occurrence....a boy is it a pain in the butt. However, I probably don't have the best attitude about controlling it either. I figure if I am going to get it anyway, I might as well still eat whatever I want. I suppose if I backed off the spicy foods and candy/sweets, I might be better off.

The way I look at it, if eating is the one thing I have left right now, I probably should just live with the heartburn. Unless I find out it is in someway related to the Charley Horses. If that is the case, put me on a salad, fruit and water diet.

Shot in the leg.

Well, maybe not, but that is what it felt like. I woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like a bullet wound to my leg calf. Turns out it is "just" a Charley Horse. (Incidentally, my ancestors, the Germans, apparently call it something that translates into "muscle hangover." I can assure you there were no muscles being used and certainly nothing that I could associate with a hangover in my system....I'd rather have a regular, old hangover anyday of the week over this.)

Apparently Charley Horses are common during pregnancy. I'm not sure if mine is the result of wearing heels yesterday (I had to spruce myself up a bit for Legally Blonde: The Musical) or because I was dehydrated. What I do know is that I woke up screeching bloody murder, without a clue as to what was going on. Kevin graciously offered in between snores to roll over and try to help get rid of it, but I preferred to lay very, very still until the sharp pains subsided.

Today I've been walking around with a bit of a limp, although I'd like to think it looks like I've got a very cool strut going on. I'm thinking of throwing on some more casual clothes and finding a local gang to join. At least I can tell them that I know what it feels like to get shot in the leg.

Maybe

....I am taking this ice cream thing too far. Last night as I was dishing up some ice cream for myself, Kevin asked, "Can I have some?"

Apparently I've become the almighty ruler of the ice cream container. To such a point that he is asking permission.

Rest assured for all those that may think I am now controlling every move of his, I let him dish up a bowl for himself and didn't hog it all. At least not this time.